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If a partner may be monitoring your phone, changing settings or removing an app could alert them. If you may be in immediate danger, use the safest available way to contact local emergency services. When possible, reach an advocate using a device the partner cannot access before making changes; an advocate can help you weigh safety, privacy, and evidence-preservation concerns.

What could your partner be accessing?

Monitoring does not always mean spyware. Someone may learn information through a shared Apple or Google account, location sharing, synced devices, app permissions, or a passcode they know. They may also have had physical access to your phone. Stalkerware is a different possibility: software installed without your knowledge that can be designed to hide its presence. The Federal Trade Commission’s guide to stalkerware says it may expose location, calls, texts, email, photos, videos, and browsing activity.

A partner knowing where you are or what you discussed can feel alarming, but that alone does not identify how they learned it. Avoid assuming that spyware is the only explanation—or that a particular setting change will address every route of access.

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What signs might be worth considering?

The FTC lists unusual battery drain, unexpected data use, overheating, unexplained restarts, a partner knowing private details, or a partner having had unsupervised access to the phone as possible clues. None is a reliable diagnostic test by itself: ordinary technical problems can have similar symptoms, and stalkerware may be difficult to detect.

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Plan before changing anything

Revoking access, changing a password, turning off location sharing, uninstalling an app, or resetting a phone may be visible to the other person. The FTC warns that taking action can tip off an abusive partner and that cutting off access could lead to escalation. If it is safe to do so, discuss next steps with a domestic-violence advocate before removing suspected spyware or making abrupt changes.

If you may later need records of what happened, ask an advocate how to think about preserving evidence before resetting or replacing the phone. Do not take a risk to collect evidence, and do not use a potentially monitored phone to research options or contact an advocate if another device is available.

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Choose a safer way to communicate

A device the other person cannot access may make it easier to seek help or manage accounts, but no device choice is a guarantee of privacy. The National Network to End Domestic Violence’s Safety Net Project guidance describes options such as borrowed or donated phones and pay-as-you-go phones. Consider whether obtaining or using a device could itself be noticed, and whether its accounts are independent of ones your partner can access.

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Option What to consider
A trusted person’s device It may be available without buying a phone. Consider whether the owner can keep it private and whether using it could be observed.
A donated or pay-as-you-go phone It can provide a separate communication option. Consider the safety of acquiring it and whether the related account and recovery details are inaccessible to your partner.
A new phone with an account your partner cannot access The FTC says this might be the safest option in some situations, but it is not a universal recommendation or a guarantee against monitoring.

If it is safe, secure access in a deliberate order

These are options to consider with an advocate, not steps you must complete immediately. If making a change could increase danger, pause and seek individualized support from a safer device.

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  1. Protect physical access. Keep control of the phone where possible, set an automatic screen lock, and use a passcode your partner does not know. The FTC recommends at least six digits and changing the passcode if an abusive partner knows it.
  2. Install available updates. Keep the phone’s operating system and apps current when doing so is safe.
  3. Review account access and sharing. Check signed-in devices, trusted or verification phone numbers, account-recovery methods, and location-sharing settings for the accounts and services you use. Review each service’s own controls; a phone’s privacy settings may not show every place information is shared.
  4. Secure the email account when appropriate. Email may be used to reset other passwords, so consider securing it before changing passwords elsewhere. Use a strong, unique password and enable two-factor authentication if doing so will not create an additional safety risk. The FTC recommends strong passwords and two-factor authentication.
  5. Check synced devices and accounts beyond the phone. Texts or other information may also be available on a laptop, tablet, another phone, or an online account. Review those access points as well; changing the phone alone may not end access.

What Apple Safety Check can—and cannot—do

On an iPhone with iOS 16 or later, open Settings > Privacy & Security > Safety Check. Apple provides two choices: Emergency Reset to stop sharing quickly and broadly, and Manage Sharing & Access to review and change selected sharing and access. The right choice depends on your circumstances; Apple does not say one is safer for everyone.

Safety Check option How it works Trade-off to consider
Emergency Reset Stops sharing broadly and lets you review account security. It is the faster, broader option; changes may be noticed.
Manage Sharing & Access Lets you review sharing with people and apps, connected devices, app permissions, your passcode, and Apple Account password, then make selected changes. It is more selective, but requires reviewing the relevant items. Changes may still be noticed.

Apple’s Safety Check documentation notes that some choices may be limited by Screen Time restrictions or a mobile-device-management profile. Safety Check does not audit or change non-Apple account passwords, social-media sharing, devices signed in to a different Apple Account, or app sharing on an iPad or Mac. It is a tool for certain Apple settings, not a stalkerware detector or a complete review of every way someone could access your information.

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Contact a domestic-violence advocate for help planning

If you are in the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline currently lists these ways to reach out:

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  • Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
  • Text START to 88788.
  • Use the Hotline’s live chat.

Use a communication method that feels safe; the Hotline’s contact methods and availability can change. If speaking aloud or using your current phone is not safe, the NNEDV Safety Net Project also discusses online chat, text, borrowed devices, and pay-as-you-go or donated phones as possible alternatives.

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